


Macabre Tortures Conceived by Madmen

by zeitgeistic (faire_weather)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, Marauders' Era, Oral Sex, Parachute, Philanthropy, Shower Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-04
Updated: 2011-04-04
Packaged: 2017-10-17 14:52:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/178028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faire_weather/pseuds/zeitgeistic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, Remus thinks that he may be the only person in the whole world with even half a brain. He’s not really that far from the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Macabre Tortures Conceived by Madmen

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2007 hpslashnotsmut exchange.
> 
> A bit of language, references to sexual acts, stupid ideas, bad puns, inter-house rivalry and Snape one-upping Sirius.

“It’ll work,” Sirius insisted.

Remus looked at him doubtfully, and tried to express his utter disbelief with a series of pointed looks and stern glances. It might have worked better if Sirius had actually been looking at him and not grinning maniacally towards the ground. “I don’t trust you,” Remus said plaintively because it was true; he didn’t trust Sirius any further than he could throw him.

But then again, he could throw him pretty far right now—if Sirius would just step a  _little_  closer to the edge—so that wasn’t saying much. Sirius was leaning over the railing on top of the North Tower and staring at the ground wistfully. He was going over, and he planned to take Remus with him. There were no brooms around. Remus didn’t  _like_  that. He tried to make it obvious.

“Oh, come on, Moony,” Sirius whined, tossing him the puppy-dog eyes. He stuck his lower lip out a little bit and looked beseechingly at his boyfriend. “Do it for me?”

“No,” Remus said, crossing his arms. He wasn’t an idiot. He was not  _doing this._

“Moony!” Sirius wailed. “Lily said she’s done it before…when she went on holiday with her muggle parents.”

“I don’t care,” Remus insisted. “Regardless of what  _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_  told you, werewolves  _do not bounce._ We can break our necks just as easily as you can, you daft wizard.”

Behind them, a door opened and James came tumbling through, followed by Peter who landed with a thump and a horrible squishing sound on top of James, followed by Snivellus who sauntered in looking quite smug and pleased with himself. His wand twirled in his fingers, and he stepped disdainfully over the pile of boy lying in front of him.

“Mutt, Wolf,” Snape greeted almost amicably, ignoring the glares of James and Peter. Yes, he was quite pleased with himself if he could be almost amicable. Snape grinned, and Remus shuddered because it looked too much like the manic grin Sirius had only moments before. Something was about to go Very Wrong.

“What do you want, Snivellus?” Sirius growled, sounding much more like an angry dog than an angry wizard.

Remus loved his friends, he really did, but he knew an opportunity when he saw one. Sirius would be busy with Snape for some time and James was still whimpering and trying to roll Peter off of him. He could easily make it to the door and back to the safety of the common room if he acted fast—Sirius was already yelling. Carefully, he inched towards the door.

“Remus!” Sirius screeched indignantly. “Where are you going?”

Remus beamed at him innocently, and said, “Oh, you know…,” he faltered and then brightened even more. He’d just had a fantastic idea. “To the kitchens. I thought a bit of a snack wouldn’t go amiss. We could have Treacle while you give Snape his what-for.”

Snape yelped in indignation. James finally managed to remove Peter from his person and looked up at Remus and Sirius questioningly. “Have you two broken up?” Peter looked up, too, at that, rubbing his ribs.

“No,” Sirius said at the same time Remus muttered, “We might if he doesn’t forget this stupid idea of his.”

Unfortunately, Snape heard him. “Wolf,” he demanded, and Remus looked up complacently, and then immediately winced and berated himself for responding to the jibe at all. 

“What?” he muttered.

Snape sauntered closer, wand still twirling in his fingers and gave Remus a beatific sneer. “What are you up to?”

“Don’t tell him!” Sirius growled, eyes wide. Simultaneously, James and Peter chorused, “Remus, what  _are_  you two up to?”

Remus smiled apologetically at Sirius. He loved him, but he didn’t think dying together was all that romantic. If he could get out of this, then he would. “Sirius wants to parachute off the tower,” he told Snape.

“Para-what?” Snape, James and Peter asked confusedly. 

“Parachute,” Remus smiled, turning to give Sirius an innocent look over his shoulder. “You jump off the tower—without a broom, mind you—wearing a little backpack. About halfway to the ground, you pull a string on the backpack, and a parachute comes out to slow your fall. Sirius thinks it’s a grand idea,” he added helpfully.

Snape sneered. “Black, honestly,” he chided. “That’s ignorant even for you.”

“It’ll  _work_!” Sirius insisted, stomping his foot a little bit.

Snape looked doubtful. Peter looked doubtful. Merlin, even  _James_  looked doubtful. 

“Sirius, that doesn’t sound like a Very Good Idea,” James said consolingly, nodding his head encouragingly. Remus gave James a  _look_  for the mixed signals. “Oh come on, Moony,” James said, “let him do it. I want to see if it works.”

“Lily says it does,” Sirius added, looking at Remus.

Remus shrugged.

“I hate to agree with Potter, but I’d like to see him do it, as well,” Snape added encouragingly. He flashed Sirius an almost innocent grin, and nodded towards the edge of the tower. “Do it, Black.”

Sirius crossed his arms over his chest stubbornly. “I don’t want to do it now. If Snivellus thinks it’s a good idea, it can’t be.”

Remus huffed. “And if  _I_  think it’s a bad idea…? My opinion just doesn’t count, does it?”

James and Sirius exchanged glances. “Remus, you think everything’s a bad idea,” James said.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Because it usually is.” Snape nodded in agreement. There was a long moment during which no one said anything, and Snape looked hopefully between Sirius and the parachute sitting next to the balustrade.

“Well?” Snape prompted some minutes later. “Are you jumping or not?”

“Not,” Sirius sneered, walking away. Silently, Remus cheered inside his head and renewed his faith in divine intervention.

-x-

The next morning, Remus was dismayed to find the Great Hall covered in banners and propaganda. Above the Slytherin table there was a poster that read (in garishly bright red and gold lettering, mind you) ‘The Amazing Sirius Black Flies Without Broom’. Below that, there was a table.

Sitting at that table was Snape. Upon closer inspection, Remus noted that that traitor—Lily—was right next to him. Remus groaned, rubbed furiously at his eyes, and prayed that everyone else would sleep in today.

“What’s the meaning of this?” Remus asked, walking up to the table and doing his very best to look like a stern and rule-abiding prefect. Snape, who was grinning wickedly and chatting with Lily, looked up and sneered. “What are you  _doing_?”

“Advertising.”

Remus waited.

Snape did not continue.

“Lily?” Remus asked pleadingly.

She gave him a warm smile. “I think it’s a fantastic idea, Remus, really,” she said, patting Snivellus on the back. “Sirius and Severus have come up with a great idea to raise funds for the ‘Unfortunate Muggle Accidents’ ward at St. Mungo’s.”

Remus gave her an incredulous look. 

She didn’t notice.

Lily tossed her hair behind her shoulder and continued, “Don’t you think it’s fantastic? St. Mungo’s has so little information on treating muggle accidents, so Sirius is going to parachute off the North Tower to raise money for their research. Severus has thoughtfully volunteered to sell tickets.”

“How kind of him,” Remus said flatly, glaring at Snivellus. Snivellus smiled back at him innocently.

“Are you coming, Wolf?” he asked. “It’ll be two-galleons. One-hundred-percent of proceeds go to the ward, of course. A very worthy cause, wouldn’t you say?”

Remus would not. 

But he bought a ticket anyway.

-x-

Sirius was in the shower when Remus returned to the dorms. “Padfoot, we have a problem,” Remus said plaintively. He’d pulled the shower curtain back and was trying to stare at his boyfriend in an austere, grave sort of way, but the effect was ruined because Sirius’ eyes were scrunched closed and his hands were furiously scrubbing the shampoo through his dark hair. There were some soap suds on the rest of his body, but nothing sufficient enough to cover the still present morning wood.

Remus swallowed, and reinforced his serious expression.

“What?” Sirius asked, opening one eye even with the threat of soap suds only inches away. “I’m in the shower if you hadn’t noticed, Moony,” he said, exasperated. “It’s not exactly the time for a serious chat. I swear, if you’re trying to break up with me again, at least let me get dressed first so that I can out-smart you with clothes on.”

Padfoot’s hands were on his hips by now and his hair was sticking up with the help of the shampoo. He glared challengingly at Remus and waited. “Well?” he asked. Remus swallowed again.

“Snape…” he faltered. Sirius had grown impatient with him and was currently tipping his head back under the spray of the shower. Streams of water ran over his face, down his throat in shimmering rivulets and settled in the curls of hair further below. 

“Snape what?” Sirius asked suspiciously, opening his eyes again to stare at Remus. “If you’re leaving me for Snape of all people I’ll have your guts for garters.”

Remus took a moment to consider the probability of that accusation and then shook it off. To date, he’d tried to break up with Sirius no less than fourteen times, and they’d only been dating a year. Somehow, Sirius always managed to talk him out of it. He’d never been bothered by Remus’ attempts to call it off. Remus suspected that it might be because Sirius didn’t think he had the guts to do it.

He was right.

Every time Sirius did something stupid and Remus tried to have the ‘I don’t think this is working’ conversation, Sirius would always remind him why it was working. Remus frowned. Sirius was usually right about that, too.

Why couldn’t Sirius ever be right about something important?

“No,” Remus finally said, with more than a fair amount of disgust laced into the word. “I meant that Snape’s up to something.”

Sirius scoffed, lathering up a washcloth and running it over his chest. Remus couldn’t help watching. He licked his lips. “When’s Snape  _not_  up to something?” Sirius asked.

“That’s a fair point,” Remus mumbled, resisting the urge to retort ‘when are  _you_  not up to something?’. “But this time I know what it is in advance. And you’re not going to like it.”

“Hand me my towel,” Sirius said, unconcerned. Remus narrowed his eyes, reaching blindly behind him to grab the white towel and pass it over.

“You’re not going to like it,” Remus continued, hoping to spark Sirius’ interest so that he wouldn’t have to have this entire conversation by himself. Sirius only raised his eyebrows as he dried off. “Lily’s in on it, too,” he added desperately.

That, finally, got Sirius’ attention. He paused with the towel hanging uselessly at his side. Remus fought to keep his eyes from looking downward. “What?” he asked incredulously. “That little traitor! What’re they doing?”

“Snape’s become a philanthropist,” Remus said cautiously. 

Sirius looked at him blankly and then began to laugh. “Good show, Moony!” he crowed, slapping Remus on the back as he stepped around him and out of the shower. “Snape being altruistic! Hah!”

“I didn’t say he was being  _altruistic_ ,” Remus snorted because that was certainly far,  _far_  from the truth. “I just said he was indulging in philanthropy. It’s certainly not an unselfish attempt at world-peace.” He paused and then added slowly, “He’s selling tickets to watch you parachute off the North Tower. The funds are going to help the Unfortunate Muggle Accidents ward at St. Mungo’s.”

Here, Remus paused to reflect on the irony and utterly appalling incongruity of that fact. Snape, apparently, got off on bad puns. He shrugged, realizing he wasn’t entirely surprised.

Looking up, Remus noticed that Sirius had stilled all his movements and was staring oddly at him. “What?” Sirius asked in a choked voice. Remus winced, feeling a surge of pity spike through him. It was a challenge that Snape issued, and now Sirius had no choice but to follow through or else risk his Gryffindor pride.

“You heard me,” Remus said. 

“The Unfortunate Muggle Accidents ward?” Sirius continued. “What kind of statement is he trying to make?”

Remus shrugged. “I suppose that he’s hoping you’ll be the first to benefit from the donations.”

Sirius paused to consider that.

“Damn it,” he finally muttered. His hands flew back up to his hips and the towel dropped in the process. Remus restrained the urge to growl. “And Lily’s in on this? That little bitch!”

“Bitch, yeah,” Remus mumbled, still staring.

“When I’m done with Snape, he’s going to look like he’s spent the last year in an abattoir!”

“Abattoir, right,” Remus said. There was still a rivulet of water that Sirius had missed when drying off. Currently, it was mapping out a trail from Sirius’ left nipple to his belly button and down the line of hair to his groin. It certainly  _looked_  like a happy trail to Remus. He was very interested in the treasure at the end of it.

He paused, and looked up. “Abattoir?” he asked incredulously. “Have you and James been watching those muggle horror movies again?”

Sirius grinned sheepishly. “Just the one, yeah,” he said. “But what are we going to do about Snape?” he growled, voice rising.

The droplet of water finally reached its destination and Remus shuddered. “I guess you’re going to follow through with it,” he said, taking a step forward. “Can’t risk that pride, can we?”

Sirius took a step backwards and shivered as his back hit the cold tiled walls of the shower. “No,” then, “what are you doing?” he asked faintly.

Remus grinned wickedly and took another step forward. Classes didn’t start for another hour, and Sirius might be in St. Mungo’s by the end of the day. There was no reason to punish himself for that. “I was going to help you dry off,” he said, even as he plucked the towel from Sirius’ hand and tossed it over his shoulder.

Sirius made a half-pleased, half-desperate sound in his throat. “What if I die today? I could, you know,” he said.

Remus shrugged, still following the drop of water. “All good things must come to an end, right?” Sirius frowned. “Fine, maybe this will encourage you to live, then,” Remus added, rolling his eyes.

Sirius whimpered. “You’ll miss me,” he said. “If I die, I mean.”

“Of course I will,” Remus scoffed, reaching up to tweak one of his boyfriend’s nipples. “That’s why I’m doing this now. You could be dead after Divination.”

Sirius seemed to finally see the logic in that, though his eyes were hazy with lust. “Alright, then,” he said warily. “But as a last request, I want to top,” he added haughtily.

Remus snorted. “Right,” he said, smiling encouragingly. “Like that would ever happen, you nance.” Sirius pursed his lips and tried to fight back, but Remus grabbed his shoulders and pinned him against the shower walls. “You like it,” Remus added.

Sirius did not argue that point. Instead, he said plaintively, “When I die, you’re going to regret not granting a man his dying wish.”

“No,” Remus shook his head, faintly amused. “You’re going to regret letting Snape goad you, but until that time comes, why don’t I give you a last meal instead, hmm?” And he pushed Sirius’ head down until his knees hit the floor.

“Didn’t even need a parachute that time, did you?” Remus asked. Sirius did not respond.


End file.
